


Consequence of Sound

by aen_naazh



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Car Sex, M/M, Rough Sex, Soulless Sam Winchester, dark sastiel, season 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-06
Updated: 2014-10-06
Packaged: 2018-02-20 05:14:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2416241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aen_naazh/pseuds/aen_naazh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel should have known there was something different about Sam. Everything down to the look in his eyes was strange and wrong but he couldn't bring himself to walk away. Between the war in heaven and the deal he was forced to make with Crowley, Sam seems to be all he has to hold onto. So  he isn't the bright eyes boy Castiel met years ago, at least he has him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! Well this is my very first ever fic so I hope you like it c:
> 
> I'd like to give a special thanks to Arosepratt (sassorama on tumblr) for the AMAZING art she did. You'll find it scattered through the story but if you like it please drop her a line on her site : D

 

  
When Castiel watches Sam walk away, it should have been a sign. Each day that passed without Sam contacting Dean should have been another one. Perhaps he was just distracted with the war in heaven. Perhaps he just didn’t want to risk involving Sam and Dean in another of his messes. Perhaps he just didn’t want to hear the reason Sam just turned and left.   
Then there was Crowley. When Castiel found no way of winning his war, he went to Dean but he found he could not bring himself to the former hunter’s new life. Crowley found him there, watching Dean raking up leaves, and made his offer. Against his better judgment he agreed.

 

Castiel made his stand against Raphael.

Now was the calm before the storm. Raphael gathered his forces and Castiel did the same, they prepared for battle but neither had made their move yet. Castiel waited for the flood gates to burst and for everything to go to hell so to speak.  
Castiel doesn’t want to go to Sam, does not want to know what had become of the hunter. In his mind he has made himself believe that Sam had seen his brother’s happy normal life and went off to live his own. He can fight his battle alone if he knew that both Winchesters were safe and content. Unfortunately being alone was easier said than done.

When he finds Sam staying in some backwater hotel, any hope at a happy life for him was shattered. He's still hunting and worse he seems to be hunting alone. Castiel finds Sam sitting in a worn out chair, one foot up on the table as he sharpened an oversized knife. A single lamp by the door is all that lights the room, neither the radio or television are on, he sits in complete silence.

“Sam.”

Castiel barely dodges the knife that wizzes past his head and imbeds itself in to the wall. Sam looks surprised to see him so at least Castiel knows the knife was reflexes and nothing personal. Sam rises from his seat and walks to Castiel, he doesn’t say a word as he pulls the knife free of the wall and then goes back to his chair.

“I know you have prayed for me,” Castiel says. Sam runs the stone over his blade and doesn’t reply. “It must seem as if I have been ignoring you.”

Again, Sam does not reply. “There have been…complication in heaven.”

The room drops into silence, the second hand ticks and tocks while Castiel waits for a reply. “I would have come if I could have.”

“Sam,” Castiel says harshly, annoyed with the hunter ignoring him. “Will you just say something?”

Sam chuckles and finally looks up at him, the smirk on his face only vexes him more. Before he can say anything, Sam is walking towards him that horrible smile still on his face. He reaches out and holds Castiel’s face in his hands, leans down and presses their lips together. Sam’s hand slides back and grips his neck, the other one tugs on his hair. It’s rough but Castiel is stalk still against it. When Sam pulls away slightly, Castiel stares at him with wide, shocked eyes.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time,” Sam whispers against Castiel’s lips. Castiel stares up at him, completely speechless and having no idea how to react. Sam laughs again and his hands drop to his side. “Have to say, wasn’t as good as I expected.”

Castiel is gone by the time Sam turns around.

 

%$#$%

Castiel returns to heaven, organizing his ranks, gathering weapons and much to his annoyance he meets with Crowley several times. Despite the importance of his work his mind often wanders and he finds concentrating to be difficult. Seeing Sam again had not gone the way he expected it. He had expected Sam to be angry with him, for ignoring the time he prayed for answers, for leaving him alone all that time. Instead the hunter had grabbed Castiel and kissed him. Castiel nervously licks his lips as he remember the feeling of Sam’s mouth pressed against his.  


He considers going back and demanding answers but he knows that he doesn’t deserve any, not after he practically abandoned Sam once he was resurrected. He tries to keep away but a week later he finds himself in Sam’s hotel room in the middle of the night.

Castiel was expecting Sam to be asleep at this hour but the hunter is sitting at his table, cleaning his guns. “I was wondering when you’d be back.”

“We should talk, Sam.”

“We are talking,” Sam points out, slamming a new magazine into his gun. “Unless you have other things on your mind?”  
Ignoring whatever Sam meant by that, Castiel continues. “I am sorry I didn’t come when you first called.”

“Whatever,” Sam places the gun on the table and rises from his chair. “I survived.”

“You’re upset with me.” Sam rolls his eyes and walks to his bed, bumping shoulders with Castiel as he goes. He drops down into the bed and starts to pull his boots on. “Heaven is…divided. Fractions of angels are fighting each other and many have fled to-”

“I don’t really care what kind of explanation you throw out.” Sam tightens his boot laces. “You weren’t here and that’s the end of it.”

Castiel picks up the gun and examines it. Sam’s words cut him to the bone because he did care, but the part of him that had hoped Sam had gone off and found his own happy ending was the same part that knew he would have been a distraction. Castiel had risked much going down to the pit to get Sam, he honestly didn’t know how he survived it, most of it was just a blur.  The truth is that there was something about Sam that always mesmerized Castiel but that was the past and Castiel had a war to fight. “You’ve been hunting alone?”

“Why do you care?” Sam takes the gun from his hands and puts it in the waist of his jeans.

“I am worried about you. It’s not safe or wise to be hunting by youself.”

“If you cared, you wouldn’t have taken two months to come see me,” Sam snorts.

“It’s complicated.”

“You know when people say that, it’s not because it’s complicated.” Sam stands up and grabs his coat. “It’s because you don’t want to tell the truth.”

Something is different about Sam. It’s not only because he’s angry at Castiel, he just seems cold. Castiel tries not to think about what must have happened to him in Hell, what could have been done to him to make the usually bright Sam turn into some so stoic.

“I’m going out.” Sam picks up his car keys and waves at him over his shoulder. “Be here when I get back.”

Sam slams the door behind him, leaving Castiel alone in the dingy motel room. Castiel has no idea where Sam could be going at that time of night or even how long he’ll be gone for. He considered leaving but doesn't more then he decides to leave before changing his mind again. He struggles with what to do but while he tries to decide , two hours passed and Sam is walking back through the door. He sees Castiel sitting on the bed and a small smile tugs at his lips. “I was hoping  
you’d be here.”

“You told me to stay.”

Sam laughs and kicks off his boots. “I didn’t think you’d listen.”

Sam sits down next to Castiel on the bed, their knees touch and it is only then that Castiel notices Sam was panting. “What where you doing?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Sam leans back onto his hands and looks Castiel up and down. “What matters is that I’m not mad at you.”

“Good,” Castiel says a little too quickly. “Good, I was worried-”

“And now that you’re back, we can start over.”

Castiel nods, “I’d like that.”

“Great.” Sam smiles again but it doesn’t reach his eyes, Castiel worries that Sam isn’t sincere in his offer but then his hand moves and brushes against Castiel’s. “That’s perfect.”

“What happened to you down there?” As soon as the words leave his mouth he wants to take them back, Castiel feels like he’s ruining a moment.

“Let’s not talk about that,” Sam says softly. He slips his jacket off past his shoulders and tosses it to the ground. “What have you been up to? What kept you away so long?”

“I told you there is-”

“No, not that,” Sam interrupts Castiel for what seems like the hundredth time. “Why did you really stay away?”

“I don’t understand what you’re asking me.”

“I don’t think that a little angel brawl is the real reason you’ve been avoiding me. I think it’s something else.” Sam moves closer with every word, even Castiel can tell he’s closer than he should be. “You know, the first time I saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.”

“What does that have to do with-”

“Don’t interrupt.” Sam’s hand goes to rest on Castiel’s knee. “But I always thought you had a thing for my brother.”

“Dean?” Castiel shifts uncomfortably. He can feel Sam’s hot breath on his neck, his cologne washes over him and the hand on his knee slowly inches up his thigh. “No, no, he is just-”

“But seeing the look you gave me,” Sam leans in till he’s whispering softly in Castiel’s ear, “when I kissed you. You have never looked at Dean like that.”

Castiel stiffens at the feeling of Sam’s free hand sliding up his back. He wants to ask what Sam is doing but then Sam dips down and flicks his tongue against Castiel’s neck. “It’s amazing how clearly I see everything now.”

“Sam,” Castiel says with a shaky voice.

Sam’s hand move to grip Castiel’s shoulders and slowly eases him back onto the bed, Castiel could push him off he wanted to but he can’t bring himself to do it. Sam’s thumb traces Castiel’s lower lip. “There’s no point lying to ourselves anymore.”

Castiel instinctively shakes his head, even though he doesn’t know what Sam is talking about. “Sam.”

“Sh,” Sam taps his finger against Castiel’s mouth. “I didn’t say you could talk.”

Castiel’s brow knits together but he’s quickly distracted when Sam grabs hold of either side of Castiel’s shirt and yanks it open, sending buttons flying everywhere. Sam runs his hand down Castiel’s chest, eyes hungrily examining the smooth skin. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this. You were this pure, untouchable thing that I could never have. I used to hate myself for thinking about you like this.”

Castiel is confused by his use of the past tense but finds it hard to concentrate with Sam’s hard body pressed against him. Lifting his shaky hands, Castiel nervously pushes the fabric of up over his stomach. Sam’s eyes light up and he quickly dips his head down and bites at Castiel’s neck. Castiel lets out a shaky breath at the sensation, something other than pain burns at his core.

Sam pulls away lifts his shirt over his head then reaches into his back jean pocket and pulls out a foil packet. Castiel starts to lose his nerve but all doubts are forgotten when Sam put his hands back on him. Grabbing hold of Castiel’s belt, Sam works it open then tugs. “Lift your hips up.”

Castiel does as he’s told and he struggles to free himself of his shirt and jacket. Sam chuckles at his enthusiasm and rids himself of the rest of his own clothes. Then Sam forces Castiel’s knees apart and fits himself between the angel’s legs. Castiel’s cheeks redden at the feel of every inch of the hunter’s skin pressed against his own. Sam rips open the foil package with his teeth, then squeezes the slick contents over his fingers. As his finger gently traces over Castiel’s entrance his lips press against his shoulder. Castiel shivers at the cold liquid coating Sam’s hand but his mind just begs for more, more, more.

“You want this?” Sam asks pressing his finger softly against Castiel. “Want me?”

“Yes, yes,” Castiel rambles. “I do.”

Sam slowly pushes into Castiel’s body but it’s not enough. “Beg me.”

“What?” Castiel asks through his haze.

“You heard me.” Sam curls his finger and Castiel arches off the bed.

“Please, Sam. Please, just-” Castiel pants. “I- I need it, need you.”

Castiel is embarrassed by his desperation but it seems to have the desired effect, Sam groans and slowly adds another finger. Castiel practically sobs out his thanks. Sam is driving Castiel crazy and they have barely begun, Castiel suddenly understands why so many angels before him had subcommand to desires like this. Sam moves onto his knees and Castiel wines from the lack of contact.

“This might hurt at first,” Sam warns him. He grabs Castiel’s hips and drags him into his lap, his head tilts to the side and he smile. “But it’ll be good. Better than anything you waste your time on in heaven.”

Sam doesn’t give Castiel a chance to respond before he moves and pushes inside the angel. Castiel actually screams and it only edges Sam on, he ruts against him hard and fast till Castiel thinks he might faint. Sam’s nails scratch down his thighs, his teeth bite at his skin before his tongue runs out and sooths the burn.

“God, you’re just-” Sam grunts and slams his hips against Castiel. “I always knew you’d be like this, eager, tight, fuck, fuck.”

Sam’s movements become sporadic. Castiel breaths out his names and Sam answer by wrapping a hand around him. A string of yes’s spill out of Castiel’s mouth as he pushes himself into Sam’s hand. Castiel is over whelmed by it all, Sam is speaking again but Castiel can’t hear him over the utter need he feels. He tries to speak but Sam’s thumb circles his head and that’s all it takes. He comes hot in Sam’s hand and sags back against the bed. Sam cusses and with one last push he finishes too.

Sam collapses next to Castiel, the smallness of the bed meant that their bodies overlapped. As Castiel comes down from his high, his mind tries to process how things had escalated so quickly. Not that he was complaining.  
Castiel’s head turns to lie on the pillow and he looks at Sam, the slow rise and fall of his chest and the tiny movement behind his eyelids. “I know you’re awake.”

A smile cracks apart Sam’s lips and he cracks one eye open. “You up for another round yet?”

Castiel rolls onto his side and lays his hand over Sam’s heart, feeling the hot skin beneath his palm and the steady badump of the blood coursing through his veins. Sam’s hand goes to rest on top of Castiel’s, his thumb gently brushing over the angels knuckles.

“I couldn’t leave you down there,” Castiel says softly. He doesn’t know why he says it, perhaps he’s tired of carrying the burden of such knowledge alone. More likely he knows that every second he spends with Sam is a gift he might not get again. “I know it could have put everything we fought for at risk but I couldn’t bear the thought of you spending another second in that cage.”

Sam is silent, he doesn’t looked surprised, maybe he had already suspected. Castiel has to bite his tongue to stop himself from revealing anymore but now that the flood gates are open he can’t seem to stop. “I saw you, before I went to rescue Dean from Hell, we had orders to locate you. You were the first human being I had seen in over a thousand years and you were an absolute mess. You were tired, you were so tired, and you had just given up.”

Castiel pauses, thinking Sam might be upset by his words but still he just looks at him with steady eyes. “And then seeing you months later, when we met on Halloween, you were like an entirely different person.”

“I was on demon blood,” Sam chuckles softly.

“It was more than that,” Castiel pushes himself up onto his elbow. He worries he might seem frantic or despite but he presses on. “With your brother back, you had hope, you had a purpose. Since that moment, I’ve never seen you lose hope again. Even when I had given up, when Dean had given up, you never lost your faith in us.”

Fingers brush up his spine and Castiel shivers, instinctively leaning into the touch. “You make me sound like someone from a Nick Sparks movie.”

“I am being serious.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Sam tells him though it lacks sincerity.

“I tried to ignore you.” Castiel leans down and rests his forehead against Sam’s. “Angel aren’t supposed to get involved with humans. I knew you deserved better than I could offer. So for two years I forced myself away from you.”

Sam tilts his head slightly and gently presses their lips together. Castiel isn’t sure if it’s because Sam found his words moving or if he just wanted to silence the angel but Castiel continues anyways. The hand on Sam’s chest slides up and rests against his cheek instead. After a moment’s hesitation, Castiel leans in and presses their lips together. When he tries to pull away Sam’s hand goes to rest on Castiel’s neck and he deepens the kiss, not satisfied with something so chaste.

“I’m telling you this because I wanted to say it at least once.”

“Hm?” Sam asks between kisses.

“There are things…I’ve done things, Sam.” Despite Castiel’s words, the hunter doesn’t pause in his assault on his lips, his hand dips down Castiel’s back. “When you find out about it all, this will be over.”

Sam final stops kissing him and raises his brow at Castiel’s curious words. “What are you-”

Castiel presses his fingers against Sam’s temple, it’s honestly better if he forget about this all. Not just his confession either, he needs to forget this entire night. Sam shouldn’t have to suffer because of Castiel’s weakness.

Something goes wrong, Sam screams and tries to push Castiel away. Castiel pulls back at Sam’s sound of distress, wiping his memories shouldn’t have caused him any pain but Sam is curled in on himself and clutching his head. He tries to sooth Sam, running his fingers through the hunter’s hair but Sam just suddenly collapses and thankfully passes out.   
Castiel panics and shakes Sam, hoping to wake him up. Castiel checks his pulse and breathing, his heart rate is normal and he seems to just be sleeping. There is nothing there explain what had gone wrong but when Castiel is satisfied that Sam is not hurt, he dresses himself then pulls the hunter’s clothes back on as well.

He lingers next to Sam’s bed, watching him sleep as he had done on countless other nights as well. Castiel can still feel Sam’s hands on him, he’s still sore from the bite marks and scratches left on his skin. But if there is one thing he’s learned since he met the Winchesters, it’s that life isn’t fair. Sam is better off without him.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Sam prays to him without rest. It isn’t always the nicest things that end up in Castiel’s head. Sometimes it seems like Sam is just purposefully trying to anger him. But he stays away, he has to. Castiel slipped up but he knew it was only a matter of time before everything came crumbling down and he didn’t want Sam to have to fall with him. And then one day three words have him dropping everything and going Sam in the middle of the afternoon.   
  
_ Crowley is here.  _   
  
“Sam,” Castiel says as he find Crowley and the hunter standing toe to toe.    
  
“Speak of the devil,” Crowley smiles and takes a step back from Sam. “The moose and I were just having a very interesting conversation about you.”   
  
“Get out.”   
  
“Cas, what’s going on?” Sam asks.   
  
“Why are you here?” Castiel asks the demon.   
  
“Well, I was feeling a little jilted.” Crowley smirks and slips his hands inside his coat pocket. “We were getting along swimmingly and then you find yourself a boy toy and forget all about me.”   
  
“Crowley, we will talk later.”   
  
“So he wasn’t lying?” Sam asks. “You’re working for Crowley.”   
  
“It’s purely carnal and that’s all you need to know.” Crowley steps towards Castiel and tilts his head. “Isn’t that right, kitten?”   
  
“Another word and I will smite you where you stand,” Castiel says lowly.   
  
“Smite,” Crowley whistles and turns back to Sam. “Hear that, moose? Angel boy’s going to go all Old Testament on me. I’m shaking in my thousand dollar boots.”   
  
Sam’s jaw tightens but his glare at Crowley is quickly switched back to Castiel. “I can’t believe you.”   
  
Castiel looks away under Sam’s scrutiny and Crowley just laughs. “I suppose I should be on my way then. Now that I’ve revealed our secret love affair. And discovered one of my own.”   
  
Castiel cringes at the joke, not sure if Crowley is just being his usually grating self or if Sam actually let slip the new nature of their relationship.  “Just go.”   
  
There’s a long silence that follows Crowley’s exit, Sam’s eyes bore into Castiel but the angel can’t bring himself to return the gaze. “I can explain.”   
  
“Crowley!” Sam shouts. “I’ve been trying to call you for weeks and you’ve been grabbing ankle for a demon.”   
  
“You don’t understand, Sam.” Sam stands in front of Castiel, chest heaving with exertion but Castiel refuses to be intimidated.  “If I hadn’t agreed to work with Crowley, Raphael would have obliterated any angel that stood against him.”   
  
“He’s the fucking king of Hell!” Sam hands collide with Castiel’s shoulder in an attempt to shove him backwards but Castiel doesn’t budge. “How can you justify that?”   
  
“What other choice did I have?” Sam’s screaming begins to wear on Castiel’s mind, he tries to stay calm but can’t help the edge heard in his voice. “I was protecting you.”   
  
“Like hell you were.” Sam stabs his fingers into Castiel’s chest. “You did that for you, don’t put that on me.”   
  
“As soon as Raphael had enough power he would have restarted the apocalypse. He would have found a way to bring Lucifer back to earth and he would have gone straight to you.”   
  
“Damn it, Cas!” Sam spins on his heels and his fist flies into the wall, the cheap dry wall cracking and cutting open his skin.    
  
Castiel knows Sam, he’s seen him laugh, seen him cry, and mostly he has seen him angry. He knows the way his eyes light up with a smoldering rage that he tries to contain. Sam is not like Dean, who can fly of the handle at the drop of a pin, Sam tries to hold back his anger, doesn’t like losing his head if he doesn’t have to.   
  
The Sam in front of him was quick to start screaming, yet the rage never reached his eyes. His lips might turn into a sneer and his hands might shake with anger but his eyes are always cold.    
  
“Stop doing that.”    
  
“Doing what?” Sam snaps.   
  
“Acting angry.”   
  
“I am angry!” Sam kicks at the chair next to him. “I’m fucking pissed.”   
  
“You’re…you’re pretending to be angry.” Castiel looks from the chair on the ground back to Sam’s steady eyes. Sam’s façade instantly melts away, his frown disappears and his shoulder’s relax. “What’s happened to you?”   
  
Sam leans in close. “Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.”   
  
Castiel steps away but Sam is faster than he is. Grabbing Castiel’s wrist, Sam yanks him forwards and crushes their mouths together. Castiel tries to move away but Sam matches each step until he has the angel pressed against the wall. Sam wastes no time, tugging open his belt and then doing the same to Castiel.   
  
“We can’t do this,” Castiel breaths out as Sam’s hand pushes inside his pants.   
  
“Of course we can,” Sam growls against his neck.   
  
“No, no, you don’t understand.”    
  
Sam runs his fingers through Castiel’s hair and tugs. Castiel wines into the kiss Sam presses on him. Sam’s tongue runs across Castiel’s lip and the angel open’s easily for him. Canting his hips against Castiel, letting him feel the full of Sam’s hardness against his thigh, Sam lifts Castiel’s leg up around his waist. By the time Sam pulls away from him they are both panting for breath. “Tell me to stop then.”   
  
Castiel kisses him instead.   
  
Sam takes his time stripping each piece of fabric from Castiel’s body, kissing every inch of skin as he exposes it. He takes Castiel against the wall, the angel had long forgotten why he had tried fighting this at that point. When they’re done, Sam carries him to the bed and lays done next to him. “I’m still pissed at you.”   
  
Castiel stares at ceiling. “No, you aren’t, not really.”   
  
Sam only laughs at him.   
  


$#$#$

  
Castiel has no idea what he is doing. He spends his days in battle and his nights with Sam. He knows something is wrong with Sam, knows that getting involved with him can only end badly. The best case scenario is Castiel being the only one slayed by the legions of Heaven.    
  
Though he can’t deny the thrill he gets when he’s with Sam he often wonders if it’s worth the risk. A part of his instantly says yes, yes, of course it is, but he knows that part isn’t speaking about the Sam he spends his nights with. If this were the Sam that he fought beside, the Sam that held him up when his world came crashing around him, that would be a different story. It’s the Sam with the cold, dead eyes that makes him wonder.    
  
He can forget sometimes. When he’s under Sam, when they lay in bed together and Castiel watches Sam’s steady breathing while he pretends he’s sleeping. Those time he can pretend that he is with the Sam he met one warm October night. The idea stings. He tries not to blame Sam for something he did. Castiel convinces himself he took too long to rescue Sam from Hell, his brief time there must have made him dead and calloused.   
  
Castiel’s resolve snaps after a particularly hard battle against Raphael. He has been using Sam’s bed as a way to avoid talking but something needs to be done.   
  
The room is dark when Castiel enters, which is odd as Sam is usually still up at this hour. Then he hears the soft moan and the squeak of bedsprings.   
  
“What the hell is this?” Castiel hisses. The woman beneath Sam screams and starts hitting his chest to get off her. As soon as Sam is out of the way she grabs her dress and runs to the bathroom.    
  
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Sam pulls the sheets up just enough to cover himself.   
  
“Who is she?”   
  
Sam frown twists up to a cruel smile. “Why? Are you jealous?”   
  
The bathroom door opens and the woman briskly walks to the door, not even looking at the man as she goes. “What were you doing with her?”   
  
“Don’t ask stupid questions, Castiel,” Sam asks. Sam pushes himself further up the bed so he can lean against the headboard. “You look surprised.”   
  
Castiel grits his teeth. “I can’t believe you.”   
  
“Really? It certainly seems like something I would do.” Castiel turns around, not able to stand the sight of Sam laying within those ruffled sheets. “Stay.”    
  
Castiel spins back around with rage boiling over at being spoken to like a dog. “I have wasted too much time wiith you already. Frankly I don’t see myself coming back here again at all.”   
  
“You’re won’t leave me,” Sam shrugs. “You need me.”   
  
“Need you?” Castiel scoffs.   
  
“You think you come here to, what, help me with cases?” Sam looks over to the glowing clock on the microwave. “It’s four in the morning, what kind of case would I be working on at this hour?”   
  
Castiel’s jaw clenches. “Well if you don’t need my help, I will no longer offer it.”   
  
Sam’s head tilts and his eyes rack down the angel’s body, he hold out a hand to Castiel. “Come here.”   
  
“No.”    
  
Sam’s face melt’s into a softer expression. “Please.”   
  
It fake, so, unbearably fake, Sam’s brow crinkles as if he’s concerned but those eyes, again, are all wrong. But Sam’s right, he does need him.  Castiel still clings to the memory of the Sam that was and deep down he hopes that he can fix Sam, that he can change the dead thing in front of him and bring back his friend.    
  
Castiel sits down on the bed and Sam leans forward. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”   
  
Castiel frowns. “I found you with someone else.”   
  
“I know, I know,” Sam lifts his hands up in defeat. “You know I’m a screw up.”   
  
“Don’t say that.”   
  
Sam lips tug into a tiny smile and he reaches out and squeezes Castiel’s hand. “You have a lot to learn about humanity still.”   
  
And like every night he finds himself sprawled out on the bed beneath Sam. His mind swims and not from the electric touches Sam leaves across his body. Castiel has been fooling himself that Sam was okay, that he just needed time to adjust back to the world. Maybe hell had done something irreversable to him, maybe it was something else entirely. He thinks about this over and over, trying to think of an answer, until he looses himself to the hot mess between thier bodies.   
  
Castiel lays on his back and listens to Sam pant beside him. “There is something wrong with you.”   
  
Sam lets out a harsh laugh. “You didn’t have any complaints a few seconds ago.”   
  
Castiel turns to his side and reaches for the clothes that got tossed to the floor. Sam wraps an arm around Castiel waist and tries to keep him in place. “Don’t be like that.”   
  
“How many women have you been with since we’ve been…”   
  
Castiel wants to beat that grin of the other man’s face. “Since we’ve been what?”   
  
“Never mind.” Castiel pushes Sam’s arm off him and sits up. “It’s irrelevant.”   
  
“So you are jealous.”   
  
“Coming here was a mistake.” Castiel pulls on his pants and grabs his shirt. “Coming to you at all was a mistake.”   
Sam watches Castiel dress in silence. Castiel could have easily just disappeared with his clothes but maybe part of him wanted Sam to say something to make him stay. Castiel is attempting to straighten his tie when Sam finally speaks. “How did I get out of Hell?”   
  
Castiel spins around. “What?”   
  
“I didn’t get out of there myself.”   
  
“Don’t you think I would tell you if I knew anything?”   
  
“Of course.” Sam pushes himself up onto his elbows, the blanket dipping past his hip. “But let’s not pretend I’m the only bad guy between the two of us.”   
  
Castiel’s stomach drops and he spins around, Sam’s eyes are calm and stable compared to his frantic ones. Sam doesn’t know that Castiel raised him, Sam can’t know that, not after Castiel had wiped his memory of the angel’s confession.  
There was no possible way that he could still remember that. Unless…   
  
“Goodbye, Sam,” Castiel says before he flies off as far away from Sam as he could get.


	3. Chapter 3

It was over. It really was this time. Castiel couldn't bear to see Sam like that and he had neglected his duties in heaven for far too long. Besides, he tells himself, he was bad for Sam. Castiel was that last bit of Sam's old life that the hunter was holding onto. Perhaps without him Sam could find someone else and settle down like this brother had. It was what was best for him, even though the thought made Castiel cold and sick.   
  
So he ignores Sam's prayers again. Castiel grits his teeth each time he hears Sam's voice but he doesn’t answer because it will only makes things harder if he goes back. Sam just doesn't realize it, doesn’t understand that Castiel is completely wrong for him. Sam had always believed he was undeserving of so much but it was Castiel that didn't deserve him.   
  
_Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray to Castiel to get his feathery ass down here._ Castiel almost ignores it, expecting it to be Sam but as soon as he realizes it’s Dean his stomach twists. Dean is supposed to off living with Lisa, he shouldn’t have to be praying to Castiel.   
  
_ Come on, Cas! Don't be a dick. We got ourselves a... plague-like situation down here, and... do you...do you copy? _   
Castiel is in the middle of the desert looking for Heaven’s weapons and then Dean shows up and drops on in his lap. He hesitates, he knows Sam will be there but he also doesn’t have much of a choice either.   
  
“-son of a bitch doesn't answer- he's right behind me, isn't he?” Sam turns in his chair and theirs a dark look in his eyes but Castiel focuses on Dean.   
  
“Hello.”   
  
“Hello?” Sam bites out.   
  
Castiel spares a glance at Sam. “Yes.”   
  
"Hello,” Sam says in a deep voice meant to mimic his own. "Hello"?   
  
Castiel is confused by Sam’s incessant repetition of the word “Uh, that is still the term?   
  
“I spent all that time trying to get through to you. Dean calls once, and now it's,” Sam’s voice drops again, "hello?!”   
  
“Yes.” Castiel holds back mentioning the reason he had been ignoring Sam.   
  
“So, what, you…you like him better or something?    
  
“Dean and I do share a more profound bond.” Castiel sees the downward tug of Sam’s lips and turns to Dean. “I wasn't gonna mention it.”   
  
“Cas, I think what he's trying to say is that... he went to Hell for us. I mean, he really took one for the team. You remember that? And then he comes back without a clue, and you can't take five friggin' minutes to give him some answers?”   
  
At the very least Castiel is now sure that Dean knows nothing about what happened between Sam and him over the last year. “If I had any answers, I might have responded. But I don't know, Sam. We have no idea who brought you back from the cage or why.”   
  
There was a beat of silence and Sam looks at him, hiding the slight smile on his face. It is only then that Castiel realizes the corner he has back himself into. All this time he has avoided the topic of how Sam was resurrected.  Now, in front of Dean, he has free reign to question the angel without him flying off to god knows where. He stands, stepping closer to Castiel when he knows the angel only wants distance between them. “So... it wasn't God?   
  
“No one's even seen God. The whole thing remains mysterious.” Sam’s grin quickly turns back to a frown when Castiel avoids the question again.   
  
“What the hell does that mean?”    
  
“What part of ‘I don't know’ escapes your understanding?” Castiel bites.    
  
Dean begins talking, oblivious to the tension between Sam and Castiel, or at least oblivious to the reason for it. “Cas, look, if Sam calls, you answer. Okay? You wing your ass down here, and you tell him, ‘I don't know.’ Just because we have some sort of a -- a bond or whatever...”   
  
“You think I came because you called?” Castiel cuts him off before he says anymore stupid things. “I came because of this.”   
  
Dean is put off by Castiel’s dismissal. “Oh, well, it's nice to know what matters.”   
  
“It does help one to focus,” Castiel says as he examines the papers in front of him.   
  
“Wait, so - so you and the Halo Patrol, you guys aren't the cause of these killings?”   
  
“No. But they were committed with one of our weapons. There's only one thing that could have brought this into existence. You call it the Staff of Moses.”   
  
“The Staff?” Sam asked   
  
Castiel nods. “It was used in a dominance display against the Egyptians, as I recall.”    
  
“Yeah. That one made the papers,” is Dean’s snide remark.   
  
“But I thought the Staff turned, like, a river into blood, not one dude.”   
  
“The weapon isn't being used at full capacity.” Castiel drops the papers on the table and looks between Dean and Sam.  “I think we can rule Moses out as a suspect.”   
  
“Okay, but... what is- what is Chuck Heston's disco stick doing down here, anyway? I mean, don't you guys put away your toys?”   
  
“Before the apocalypse, Heaven may have been corrupt, but it was stable. The staff was safely contained. It's been chaos up there since the war ended. In that confusion, a number of... powerful weapons were... stolen.” Castiel’s mind drifts back to the hundreds of his brothers that have fallen so far. Heaven is a war zone and everything is being ripped apart as everyone tries to climb to the top.   
  
“Wait,” Dean says and snaps Castiel out of his thoughts “you - you're saying your nukes are loose?”   
  
“Yeah, I'm afraid so. But you've stumbled onto one of them. We must find the weapon that did this. I need your help.” Castiel makes a point of looking at Sam.   
  
“That's rich. Really.” Castiel glares at Sam and throws the jar at him   
  
“Sam, Dean, my "people skills" are "rusty." Pardon me, but I have spent the last ‘year’Dean misses the bitter chuckle that comes from Sam “as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent. But believe me, you do not want that weapon down here. Help me find it. Or more people will die.”   
  
"All right.” Dean nods. “Okay. Well, if the angels didn't pull the trigger, then that brings us back to motive.”   
  
“What?” Castiel ask.   
  
“ Back to the case. Right now, we got three dead cops. Only thing linking them... is this.” Dean hands Sam a piece of newspaper and Castiel glances at the title. "Father of slain suspect calls for investigation."   
  
Sam and him manage to finish the case without rousing any suspicion. Aside from a few linger glances, Dean is completly oblivious to the tension between them. Neither of them say anything until they find themselves alone after Dean goes to visit Lisa.   
  
"I missed you," Sam tells him after a long, drawn out silence. Castiel doens't answer, he isn't sure how true the statement is even if he is desperate to believe it. "Are you back for good now?"   
  
"I can't be."   
  
Sam frowns. "Dean and I can help you, you know. Better than Crowley can at least."   
  
"I very much doubt that."   
  
"You don't trust us?"   
  
Castiel pauses. "I want to."   
  
Sam looks at him with a blank stare. "I wish I could too."

  
$%#$   


  
Castiel has come to accept that he just can't let go of Sam. No matter how many times he runs away, or ignores a prayer from one of the brothers, he always comes back. It difficult, seeing Sam the way he is, but he's still Sam and no matter how annoyed with him Castiel becomes he can't help but think back to the bright eyes boy he'd first met years ago.   
So it's a bit of a surprise when Dean calls him down to look at a very bloody and bruised Sam tied to a chair.    
  
“You're right. He looks terrible. You did this?   
  
“Cas? What's-” Sam’s blurry eyes focus on Castiel and his arms tug on the restraints. “Let me go.”   
  
Castiel ignores his demand.  “Has he been feverish?”   
  
Sam purses his lips and remains silent. Dean presses him, “have you?”   
  
“No.” Sam grits his teeth. “Why?”   
  
“Is he speaking in tongues?” Castiel asks Dean then turns and examines Sam. “Are you speaking in tongues?   
  
“No. What are you... Are you diagnosing me?” Sam tugs on the ropes again.   
  
“You better hope he can.”   
  
Sam snorts, “you really think that this is”   
  
“What, you think that there's a clinic out there for people who just pop out of hell wrong?” Dean’s body stiffens as he barely holds back his anger. “He asks, you answer! Then you shut your hole. You got it?”   
Sam reluctantly nods and looks at Castiel. “How much do you sleep?”   
  
“I don't,” Sam tells him then mumbles under his breath, softly enough that Dean can’t hear. “At least not with you around, angel.”   
  
Castiel cringes but Dean doesn’t hear instead his eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “At all?”   
  
“Not since I got back.” Sam shrugs.   
  
“And it never occurred to you that there might be something off about that?”   
  
“Of course it did, Dean.” Sam’s jaw tightens. “I-I just never told you.”   
  
“What?”   
  
Castiel cuts Dean off before he can yell at Sam any more. “Sam... What are you feeling now?”   
  
“I feel like my nose is broken,” Sam scoffs.   
  
“No, that's a physical sensation. How do you feel?” Castiel presses   
  
“Well, I think-”   
  
“Feel.” Castiel’s pulse races. This is the telling moment, Castiel has had his suspicions for a long time and though he tried to push them down and ignore them, if Sam answers the way Castiel expects him to, he’ll know exactly what’s wrong.   
  
“I... don't know.” Sam eyes dart back and forth between Dean and Castiel as he tries to search for an answer. Castiel shakes his head in disappointment and begins to roll up his sleeve. “What? Uh...”   
  
“This will be unpleasant.” Castiel grips Sam shoulder, he means for it to be reassuring but it only serves to panic Sam.   
  
“What-” Sam lowers his voice so only Castiel can hear, “Castiel if you lay a single finger on me I will tell Dean what you’ve really been doing this past year.”   
  
Castiel ignores him and shoves a belt into his mouth. “Bite down on this. If there's someplace that you find soothing, you should go there. In your mind.”   
  
_You don’t want to do this._ Sam prays to Castiel. _You won’t like what you find._   
  
Sam screams as Castiel’s hand slowly pushes inside his body. Castiel turns his eyes away, he doesn’t want to cause Sam any pain but what Dean had told him about the lying was troubling. Truthfully he has known for some time that there was something very wrong with Sam but hadn’t wanted to admit it to himself.   
  
The problem was there was nothing wrong with Sam. Castiel pulls his hand free and steps away from Sam who was heaving with the lingering pain.   
  
“Did you find anything?” Dean asks hopeful.   
  
Castiel shakes his head. “No”   
  
“So that's good news?”   
  
“I'm afraid not. Physically, he's perfectly healthy.” Some icy settles over his heart as his mind slowly pieces together why Sam has been acting so strangely.   
  
“Then what?”   
  
Sam looks up at Castiel and the angel’s stomach twists into a knot. “It's his soul. It's gone.”   
  
“Um... I'm sorry. One more time, like I'm 5. What do you mean, he's got no-”   
  
“Somehow, when Sam was resurrected, it was without his soul.” This was him. Castiel had caused this. He tried to bring Sam back and he failed miserably. Sam’s odd behaviors wasn’t from being tortured in Hell, it was because Castiel only brought half of him back.   
  
“So, where is it?”   
  
“My guess is... Still in the cage with Michael and Lucifer.” Castiel’s head begins to spin as he tries to imagine what must be happening to Sam at that very moment. Trapped between Lucifer and Michael. Oh god, the year his body has spent on earth was equal to nearly a century down there. Anything left must be torn and frayed.    
  
“So, is he even still Sam?”   
  
Castiel tries to keep his composure, they need to focus on helping Sam right now. “Well, you pose an interesting philosophical question.”   
  
“Well, then, just get it back.”   
  
“Dean…” Castiel trails off. He wishes he could do that. When he went back for Sam it had taken everything out of him. Even with the souls he was getting from Crowley, he used most of that extra power in his war. If he went down again it could kill him. He wasn’t even sure there was anything to bring back.   
  
“Well, you pulled me out.”   
  
“It took several angels to rescue you, and you weren’t nearly as well guarded. Sam’s soul is in Lucifer’s cage. There’s a difference, a big difference. It’s not possible.”   
  
Dean frowns but he’s not one to back down. “Okay, well, there’s got to be a way.”   
  
“So, are you gonna untie me?” Sam speaks up.   
  
“No,” Dean replies not even looking at Sam.   
  
“Listen, I’m not gonna-”   
  
Dean doesn’t let Sam speak. “Sam, how the hell am I even supposed to let you out of this room?”   
  
“Dean, I’m not some psycho. I didn’t want you to get hurt. I was just trying to stop the vamps,” Sam tries to reason with his brother but it only proves to Dean and Castiel that he’s too far gone. “I’m sorry. It won’t ever happen again. Please let me go.”   
  
“You’re kidding, right?”   
  
“Well, what are you gonna do, just keep me locked up in here forever?”   
  
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”   
  
“Okay, fine, look, I get it. I get it, Dean. I was wrong. But I’m telling you I-I’m trying to get right. It’s still me.”   
  
“Is it?”   
  
“Yes.” Sam insists.  He tries to put on his best sympathetic face but Castiel sees right through it and if dean’s expressions is any indication, he doesn’t either. “So just let me go.   
  
“No way in hell,” Dean shakes his head.   
  
“I didn’t want it to come to this.” Sam pulls free from the ropes and stands up, knocking the remnants of the rope onto the ground. “You’re not gonna hold me, Dean – Not here, not in a panic room, not anywhere. You’re stuck with the soulless guy, so you might as well work with me. Let’s fix this.”   
  
Grudgingly Dean walks towards his brother. “I’m gonna be watching every move you make.”   
  
“Fine. Sounds about right to me.”   
  
Dean stares long and hard at Sam, Castiel can sense the conflicting emotions running through his mind. Castiel has felt like that often since Sam’s return “Cas, clean him up.”   
  
Dean turns his back to Sam and Castiel nods his head. Castiel approaches Sam who look down at him in contempt. Castiel frowns as he corrects himself, Sam doesn’t feel contempt, he doesn’t feel anything. Raising his hand, Castiel softly touches Sam’s forehead and Sam hisses as his broken nose fixes itself.   
  
“All right, if we’re gonna figure out what happened to your soul, then we need to find who yanked you out.” Dean licks his lips and crosses his arms over his chest. “You say you don’t know?”   
  
“No idea.”   
  
Dean nods. “Then we start a list.” Dean turns to Castiel. “If it’s so hard to spring someone out of the box, then who’s got that kind of muscle?”   
  
“I don’t know,” Castiel lies and ignores the way Sam looks at him. “You have no memory of your resurrection?”   
  
“ I woke up in a field.” He shrugs. “That’s all I got.”   
  
“No clues? None?”   
  
Sam looks Castiel dead in the eye. “I’ve got one.”


	4. Chapter 4

_Castiel, we need you. It’s important_. Castiel ignores him. He has let himself bend to Sam too many times. Castiel can’t let his emotions interfere with the what he must do in Heaven.   
  
_ Cas, we found something. It’s this gold box. Apparently Nazis were after it back in the day, someone opened it and their face melted off. I think it’s – ready for this – the Ark of the Covenant. Yeah. So… _   
  
“I’m here, Sam. Where is the box?”   
  
Sam turns around and smirks. “I can’t believe you fell for that. That was the plot of Raiders, idiot.”   
  
“I’m mid-battle, Sam.” Castiel grits his teeth.   
  
“I could give a rat’s ass about your little pissing match with Raphael,” Sam tells him    
  
“Listen to me, Sam-”   
  
“No, you listen! I don’t care what you’re dealing with up in Heaven. You owe me.” Castiel flinches at the reminder. Sam has yet to plainly state that he knows Castiel left his soul in Hell. Castiel tries to convince himself that his guilty conscious is just playing trick on him but he honestly has no idea whether Sam has guessed who raised him from Hell yet or not.   
  
“You may not care, but believe me-”   
  
“I’m sorry, do you think we’re here to talk this out?” Sam snaps.   
  
“Sam, I can’t just-”   
  
“If you don’t help us, I will hunt you down and kill you.”   
  
Castiel’s last nerve snaps. He steps towards Sam and even though the hunter towers over him. Castiel can still break him like a twig and if he is pushed any further he just might. “Will you, boy? How?”   
  
“I don’t know yet. But I will look until I find out, and I don’t sleep,” Sam growls.    
  
“You need help, Sam,” Castiel tells him.    
  
“I need your help.”   
  
Castiel battles with himself, part of him wants to put the human in his place and the other just wants to reach out and  
touch him.  “Help yourself.”   
  
The corner of Sam’s mouth twists up and he snatches a handful of Castiel’s hair in his grip. “I will.”   
  
Castiel could easily throw Sam off him, he could easily just fly back home. He does neither. “Sam-”   
  
“Let me rephrase, I’m ordering you to help.” Sam pulls on Castiel’s hair till his neck is craned to the side. “And if you don’t, I tell Dean everything. The past year, working with Crowley, hell I’ll even tell him how eager you are in bed.”   
  
Castiel’s eyes widen, t hat cuts deeper than the threat to kill him and Castiel nods, flinching at the sting from his pulled hair. “Fine.”   
  
Sam hums contently and leans down to press his lips against a vein in Castiel’s neck. “I know you’re an angel but let’s not forget which one of us is in charge.”   
  
Sam’s other hand comes up and cups Castiel’s face, thumb running along the angel’s lip. “And you always do as your told, don’t you?”   
  
Sam releases his hold on Castiel, who quickly steps away and distances himself from the hunter. His eyes drop, ashamed that he was so easily subdued by the hunter. Sam laughs and roughly grabs Castiel’s upper arm then begins to lead him towards the house.    
  
“I can walk by myself,” Castiel protests.   
  
“I’m sure you can, princess.” They reach the drive way but instead of turning to the door, Sam pulls open the impala’s door and shoves Castiel in the back seat.   
  
“What-”   
  
“Shut up,” Sam orders and climbs into the car. Castiel opens his mouth to speak anyways but Sam silences him with a kiss. “I said shut up.”   
  
Sam pushes Castiel onto his back and forces himself between the angel’s legs. Sam begins to undo his belt and finally understanding the situation Castiel’s fingers go to work open his shirt buttons. Sam laughs, “don’t bother.”   
  
Grabbing Castiel by his hips he flips him over onto his stomach and pulls him up on to his knees. He leans down and starts to feel around the car’s floor while Castiel unbuckles his belt and pulls down his fly. Sam comes back up with a half full of lube then yanks down Castiel’s pants. “Dean’s always got a stash somewhere.”   
  
At the mention of the other Winchester, Castiel head twists over to the house, the living room light is on but there are no shadows to indicate someone is there. Sam grabs another fistful of Castiel’s hair and wrenches his head back down. “Just keep quiet and he won’t know.”   
  
Castiel groans when Sam pushes his finger inside then shoves another one in before he has time to adjust. “You’re such a good little boy.”   
  
“S-Sam,” Castiel pants as Sam’s fingers move quickly to stretch him open.   
  
Sam moves forward and nips at Castiel’s ear. “What do you want, baby?”   
  
Sam doesn’t use pet names, Castiel knows he’s mocking him but he can’t help the shiver it sends down his spine.  
“Please.”   
  
“Say it,” Sam growls. Castiel moans but doesn’t speak, Sam adds a third figure and yanks on Castiel’s hair. “Say it.”   
  
“Fuck me.” And Castiel hates himself a little for saying it but it gets him what he wants. Sam bites at Castiel’s neck as he withdraws his fingers. Grabbing Castiel’s hips to hold him still, Sam began to slowly push inside Castiel. Castiel pushes back against Sam’s hold, the hunter made him beg and now won’t give him what he wants. “Harder.”   
  
Sam pushes up Castiel’s trench coat and shirt, exposing his back, and bites at the skin. “Say my name.”   
  
Castiel wants to scream in frustration. Sam is playing one of his power games but Castiel is aching. His body tightens around Sam’s and though Castiel hears him hiss he still doesn’t move. “I’ve already said your name.”   
  
“Don’t get smart with me,” Sam chastises and rolls his hips just the exact right way. “Say it again.”   
  
Castiel swallows. “Sam.”   
  
The angel is rewarded with the slow movement of Sam’s hips against him. “Good. Again.”   
  
“Sam. S-Sam,” Castiel stutters. Sam moves one hand to grip the seat, bracing himself so he can move deeper and faster. They are both mostly dressed but Castiel wants to feel their skin touch, he pushes back against Sam’s hold and get a slip to his thigh as punishment.    
  
“Louder.” Castiel presses his hands against the window trying to keep himself upright against the force of Sam pounding into him. He moves just the right way and Castiel cries out against the electric shock that shoots through his body.   
  
“Sam!” The hunter groans at the sound of his name on Castiel’s lips. Sam’s hand moves from the seat and grips Castiel’s jaw, his index finger pushes into the angel’s mouth and Castiel responds by eagerly sucking the digit.   
  
“You sure as hell ain’t no angel,” Sam pants against Castiel’s neck. Pleasure begins inside Castiel’s belly but he tries to hold on, not wanting it to be over so soon but when Sam slams into him one last time it pushes him over the edge. He comes onto the seat beneath him, drops staining his coat and behind him Sam stills but still keeps him held close.   
  
For a long time all there was the sounds of their heavy breathing. Sam finally pulls away and Castiel wiggles around till he can straighten his clothes. Sam yanks his pants back up his hips. “You know if you were some bitch I met at a bar, I’d just lie to you.”   
  
Castiel doesn’t reply as he tries to do his belt back up. Sam pants in an attempt to catch his breath but he continues. “But I don’t have to lie to you, do I? At least that’s more than anyone else gives you.”   
  
Castiel looks back at Sam over his shoulder, the hunter runs a hand through his messy hair then slaps Castiel’s ass. “Clean up the mess before Dean sees it.”   
  
He steps out of the car and tries to smooth out his clothes before heading back to the house. He’s so sure that Castiel is going to follow that he doesn’t even look back.   
  
Dean and Sam bring him up to speed on what’s happening. Castiel doesn’t miss the knowing glances from Sam when Dean brings up Crowley, Castiel tries to ignore it but it’s grating. Getting inside the building was easy, it was getting into the centre that proved difficult. They quickly find themselves cornered by hell hounds which little options in front of them.   
  
Castiel stares at the door that the dogs are scratching at, he could blast them away with is grace but he would risk killing Meg as well, trapped in her meat suit as she was. Perhaps he could try and lead them away and-   
  
Meg wraps a hand on the back of his neck and pulls him into a kiss. Her tongue pushes past his lips while her hand slips inside his coat. As she pulls away, Castiel glances at Sam who look just as cool and uncaring as he always does. It makes something flare in Castiel, an anger over something that he didn’t know bothered him. Sam’s attitude was annoying and his behaviour was vexing but the core of the issue was that Castiel knew he just didn’t care. After a year together Sam wouldn’t care if Castiel lived or died.   
  
Castiel grabs Meg and forces her back against the wall. Meg makes a noise of surprise but Castiel swallows it down when his lips attack her. He’s not gentle, knowing she can take anything he can throw at her. Against her, he lets out all the frustrations he’s felt over the last few months. Frustration he can’t share with anyone else without risking all his plans collapsing out from under him. He couldn’t have Sam, not really, and he’s be lucky to survive Heaven’s war long enough to be disgraced for siding with a demon against an arch angel.   
  
“What was that?” Meg asks a little breathlessly when he finally pulls away.   
  
“I learned that from the pizza man.” Our of the corner of his eye, Castiel sees Sam frown and it's so close to a real emotion that it sends a jolt through Castiel.   
  
“Well, A plus for you,” she grins. “I feel so … clean. Okay, gotta go.”   
  
“Whoa, whoa, is that gonna work on a hellhound?”   
  
“Well, we’re about to find out.” Meg winks at Castiel and turns to the door, blade held tightly in her fist. “Run.”   
Dean nods then turns and takes off, Sam is close to follow. Castiel lingers for a moment to watch the girl that he often counted as an enemy but now stood as a reluctant ally.  When the doors burst open he turns and follows the brothers, not wanting to see what her fate might be at the paws of those beasts.   
  
When Castiel catches up with the Winchesters, Sam grabs his arms and yanks him back from Dean. The hunter doesn’t notice and keeps going leaving Sam and Castiel behind him. Sam’s voice drops low and he growls in Castiel’s ear. “That was stupid.”   
  
“What do you care?” Castiel asks.   
  
“You’re wasting time being petty.” Sam’s fingers tighten around Castiel’s arm, hard enough to bruise his vessel.   
  
“You are the one holding me back.” Castiel shrugs off Sam’s hold and walks away, feeling Sam’s gaze burning on his back with each step. There’s too much at stake here to let himself be distracted by Sam any longer.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Castiel silently looks out the window onto the city that alight with tiny windows and street lights. Behind him Sam is reading up on a new case, the one they just finished is long from his mind. Dean thinks Crowlet is dead and Castiel hopes Sam does too. Castiel can't afford either of them interefering, not after he's come so far.  
  
“So, Crowley is dead?” Sam asks as his fingers dart across the keyboard.  
  
“Yes.” Sam chuckles and looks up from his computer. “What?”  
  
“I guess your little partnership is over then?”  
  
Castiel’s jaw clenches. “Yes.”  
  
Sam laughs again and shakes his head. “That worked out nicely for you, having Crowley disappear before Dean even started to get suspicious.”  
  
He narrows his eyes but Sam doesn’t even flinch under his gaze. “What are you trying to say?”  
  
Sam leans back into his chair and flicks his computer closed. “Where is Crowley actually?”  
  
“He’s dead,” Castiel says bluntly.  
  
“I told you I didn’t have to lie to you, so you don’t have to lie to me either.” Sam tells him. “I don’t care, I don’t care about any of it.”  
  
“He’s dead,” Castiel repeats.  
  
Sam shrugs. “Of course he is.”  
  
Castiel’s stomach turns at the smug look on Sam’s face, one word from him to Dean and everything falls apart. Castiel turns his back to Sam, resolved to not bend and give Sam anything he can use against him.  
  
"It doens't matter anyways,"  Sam shrugs. "I need your help."  
  
"With what?"  
  
"My soul." Castiel stiffens at the request but Sam chuckles and waves off his worries. "I don't need you charging back into the pit to get it."   
  
Castiel wants to tell him that that isn't the problem, Castiel would gladly face a thousand hells for this man but the smirk on Sam's face tells Castiel the comment wouldn't go over well. "Then what?"  
  
"Dean wants to find a way to put it back." Sam moves in closer to the angel. "What do you think about that?"  
  
"That wouldn't be...we don't know what consequences that would have."  
  
Sam nods like he's been told an answer he had already suspected. "So what do we have to do to make sure that doens't happen."  
  
"I talked to him, he didn't seem to like the idea."  
  
"No shit," he grumbles. "So what might happen if I get that thing shoved back inside me."  
  
"A number of things could happen..." Castiel trails off as he tries to think of something. "It depends on how damaged it is, or how-"  
  
"But you don't know?"  
  
"It all depends on how damaged your sould is. It could be very...different."  
  
Sam gives him a long, hard look. Castiel obviously said something Sam didn't like and the hunter grits his teeth. "This is really about keeping me alive is it?"  
  
"What? Of course it is."  
  
Sam laughs. "This is just all about you. Isn't it?"  
  
“I am worried about you, Sam.”  
  
“Bullshit. You’re just worried about losing me.” Castiel tenses at the accusation and that is all Sam needs to know he’s right. “You’re worried that once I have my soul back I will see how fucked up this thing between us is.”  
  
“Your soul is-”  
  
Sam grabs a handful of Castiel’s hair and kisses him, silencing whatever half lie Castiel was going to say to try and convince himself that his intentions were entirely honourable. “And you’re absolutely right. There is a reason I never touched you before”  
  
Castiel jerks away but Sam only laughs and continues. “I mean, come on, what could I possibly see in you. You’re an angel, first of all, and Dean and I both hate angels. Then there is the fact that at your core, you’re just a fuck up.”  
  
“Stop.”  
  
“Every time you try to help, you just make it worse. You wouldn’t even be fighting this war in heaven if you hadn’t messed up in the first place. If you had gotten to Dean soon enough he wouldn’t have broken the first seal and thousands of lives would have been spared.”  
  
“Sam, stop it.”  
  
“And now you’re shacking up with a demon just get your whole army slaughtered. You know you can’t win but your pride is getting hundreds of your brothers and sisters executed for siding with you.”  
  
“Enough!” Castiel yells.   
  
Sam’s sneer softens, his expression would look almost tender if his eyes weren’t still so cold and empty. He brushes his fingers over Castiel’s skin, pushing his bangs to the side and presses their bodies tight together. “But if you help me…Forcing my soul back into might kill me, even if it doesn’t I’ll be a wreck. You can’t get the old Sam back but you can have me.”  
  
Sam’s breath is hot against Castiel’s cheek and the closeness of the skin makes it hard to focus on anything but the man in front of him. It’s hard to remember the principle of the matter, hard to remember that that’s not really Sam. Their lips brush together and Castiel slowly nods, Sam smiles and kisses him again. “You can have me, I’ll owe you.”  
  
Sam leans in again but the words the whispered so softly, jerk Castiel out of his daze and he pushes Sam away from him.  
“I don’t want you to owe me.”  
  
Sam’s jaw tightens and his fists clench at his side. Castiel shakes his head and steps back, wanting as much distance between them as possible. “I should leave.”  
  
“Don’t you dare walk away from me!” Sam grabs Castiel’s wrist and squeezes.  
  
“We’re done.” Castiel pulls his hand free. They lock eyes, neither of them willing to back down but for once Sam is the one that breaks first. He lets out a harsh laugh then turns and walks to the couch.  
  
“You keep telling yourself that, sweetheart.” Sam drops down onto the couch and flicks the television on. “Go and have your little tantrum, I’ll be here when you finish. Just don’t expect me to fuck you until I get an incredible apology.”  
  
Castiel knows that he should just leave, knows his presence is needed with the other angel or at least with Dean trying to convince him that getting Sam’s soul was risky. He stares at Sam, who ignores him and realizes that this whole times he's been chasing a ghost. He loved Sam so intensly that it eclipsed his vision and he couldn't see the thing in front of him for it was. An empty shell that was little more than a vicious animal.  
  
“I was in love with Sam,” Castiel blurts out. Sam turns the television off and looks at the angel, Castiel is sure he even catches a hint of surprise in his expression. “I know that must mean nothing to you, but you should know it. Perhaps that is why I let myself get dragged into this. Sam was kind and hopeful and he gave his life to save others. And you are not him.”  
  
“That is quite the speech.” Sam leans back in his seat. “But you will be back. You always come back.”  
  
%^$%^$%  
Castiel tries to block out the prayer. I don’t know what kind of point you’re trying to make.  
  
Castiel orders on of the cupids in front of him to go find more potential allies in France. A quarter of heaven is still missing, having defected to earth and cupids have always been good at finding people. _Dean won’t stop, Castiel. He’s going to force my soul back inside me._  
  
Another angel reports on a possible weapon being found in Iceland, another one of Balthazar’s trades. Castiel sends a dozen of them to investigate. A sting of curse words fill his head. _It’ll kill me. Castiel, they have me tied to a bed in Bobby’s  panic room! Dean’s gone to make a deal with Death!_  
  
Castiel flinches. He tells another angel to take over, lies and says he has other business to attend to. He doesn’t go to Sam but he can’t handle the sound of him screaming inside his head.  
  
 _Castiel, please, please._ Castiel can hear the panic oozing off his voice. At least Sam can still feel something. _I didn’t mean any of that. I was pissed at you kissing Meg. You have to know I didn’t mean any of that_.   
  
Sam‘s lie only further strengthens Castiel‘s choice to stay away. If Death accepts whatever Dean offers him then there is really nothing Castiel can do to stop him.  
  
“You look trouble, little angel.”  
  
Castiel spins and find Death standing close behind him, the bag in his hand glows brightly with the soul inside it. “You found it then”  
  
“Yes, it was easier than you would think.” He taps his cane against the bag  
  
Castiel’s tongue darts out and nervously licks his lip. “How is it?”  
  
Death raises his brow, “how do you think it is?”  
  
Of course Castiel has second thoughts about questioning Death but Sam’s prayers are still ringing through his head. “Will he survive?”  
  
Death shrugs. “Perhaps.”  
  
“Perhaps?” Castiel jaw clenches at the callous way Death speaks about Sam’s life. “Why put it back if you are not sure?”  
  
“Because a man without a soul is no man at all.” Death turns and begins to walk away. “I’m sure you’ve realized that by now.   
  
Castiel blinks and Death is gone but Sam’s screaming only increases. It suddenly cuts off, no doubt he stopped praying when Death appeared next to him. Castiel tries to think of something other than Sam’s pained, withering body. He can only hope that Sam is stronger than he thinks.  
  
$&$^&^{C}

Crowley drums his fingers against the metal table. “You want more?”

Castiel frowns but nods. “These battles are draining.”

Crowley shrugs. “Of course, why not? Did you have a preference? Mass murders or unethical scientists?”

“Just have them ready for me by tonight.”

“And how many souls will you be needing?” Crowley raises an eyebrow and stands up.

_Castiel, um...I'm back. So, if you got a minute..._

Castiel dazes out as Sam’s works ring through his mind, after a long pause Crowley snaps his fingers to get the angels attention. “As many as you can get.”

“Oh well, since you asked so-” Castiel is gone before Crowley can finish. He zaps himself over to Sam, not sure what condition he would find him in. But as soon as he sees the hunter her knows. It's him. The real him and it's all he can do to not run at him and knock them both to the floor, all tangled in eachothers limbs.

“Sam. It's so good to see you alive.”

“Yeah. You too.” Castiel's arms raise up, wanting nothing more to wrap his arms around him and never let go but Sam takes one look at thim and sits down.“Um...Look, I-I would hug you, but-"

Castiel hopes he manages to hid the sting that remark leaves. “That would be awkward.”

“Um...Was a crazy year, huh? I-I just talked to Bobby. He uh he told me everything that happened.”

“Frankly, I'm surprised that you survived. I was begging Dean not to do it.”

“Yeah. No, I-I can understand that.” Sam drums his fingers against the table and Castiel worries that Sam is uncomfortable with him after all that happened between them.

“You know, it's a miracle it didn't kill you.”

“Yeah. Yeah, it's a miracle, all right.”

“So, how does it feel?”

“What?”

“Well, to have your soul back, of course.”

“Right. Y-you mean 'cause I was walking around with no soul." Sam grits his teeth but tries to hid it and smiles, though Castiel sees right through it. Inside he panics that Sam is about to explode and yell at him for letting this happen, maybe the memories of hell were too much for him. "Uh... Really good, Cas. I'm real good. You know what? I'm—I'm just hazy on a few of the details, though. Um... You think maybe you could...walk me through?”

“How much do you remember?” Castiel asks hesitantly.

{C}{C}{C}  
“Just start from the begging.” Castiel realizes fairly quickly into the conversation that Sam doesn’t actually remember anything. He leaves out their time together, he’ll tell him eventually just…just not right now. He only wants to enjoy one moment with Sam, the real Sam, before he burdens him with too much. By the end Sam is seething, his eyes ablaze with anger. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“I’m just…” Sam lets out a frustrated growl and runs his fingers through his hair. “I’m just fucking pissed at my brother.”  
  
“I’m sure he was only trying to help.”  
  
“He lied to me,” Sam scoffs.  
  
Castiel flinches, knowing he wasn’t any better. “It was hard for him, seeing you without your soul.”  
  
Sam doesn’t look comforted by his words so he reaches across the table and puts his hand on top of Sam’s. When Sam sucks in a sharp breath, Castiel realizes his mistake, he had grown used to touching Sam but the hunter doesn’t remember any of it. Pulling his hand back, Castiel stands up and excuses himself. “I’m sorry, I should be leaving.”  
  
“No, wait!” Sam blurts out. He jumps to his feet and grabs Castiel’s hand. Castiel instinctively tightens his fingers around Sam’s grip. Sam shifts awkwardly from foot to foot, obviously he hadn’t expected Castiel to listen and stay. His other hand creeps up Castiel’s arm and goes to rest on his neck. His touch is soft and unsure, nothing like the other Sam’s was. Castiel can see the doubt in his eyes but really Castiel is just glad to see any emotion in his eyes at all. Castiel tilts his head up and Sam takes the invitation, leaning down and closing the space between them. His kiss is gently, just a careful press of Sam’s soft lips against Castiel’s dry one.  
  
When it’s over, Sam holds tightly onto Castiel’s hand as if afraid he might run away. Castiel looks hopefully up at the hunter but finds he can’t decipher Sam’s expression.  
  
“Are you okay?” Castiel asks gently.  
  
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” Sam licks his lips and smiles. “I’ve just been wanting to do that for a long time.”  
  
The words nock the breath out of Castiel. “Sam, there’s something I should tell you-”  
  
“Not now,” Sam cuts him off. “Look I know that everything is six different kinds of messed up right now. So whatever it is, it can wait, we can handle it later.”  
  
Castiel looks doubtfully at him. “I’m not sure about that.”  
  
Sam kisses him again, lips stretched into a smile when he pulls back. “Look, I’m going to have to go yell at my brother in a few hours. Can we leave everything else till after?”  
  
Castiel frowns at the request. Of course he wanted to forget about   
  
Sam’s hands slides down Castiel’s arms and he squeezes the angel’s hands in his. “Please?”  
  
“Yes,” Castiel says, quickly his resolve shattering. “Yes, of course.”  
  
The bright smile that splits Sam’s lips is worth every moment of the last year and a half. He leans in and plants yet another kiss on the angel lips, it seems that now he's started Sam can't manage to stop. Castiel's chest swells and burns simply from the overjoyed look that radiates from Sam's eyes.  
  
“I love you,” Castiel lets slip.    
  
"That's...a little fast," Sam laughs soflty.  
  
"I know, it's just-" Castiel's voice goes rough and he swallows his words, reminding himself that all that can wait.   
Castiel might not deserve Sam but Sam at least deserved this one day.


End file.
